| NEW USERNAME |
[13 Feb 2006|07:09pm] |
K... this journal is gonna be no longer in use, so pleeeease add my new name
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) messoftess
Thanks bunches, love and shit. ADD ME.
|
|
|
[07 May 2005|03:47pm] |
I love not being invited to Alicia's birthday.
That's awesome.
|
|
| Truth hurts? |
[27 Feb 2005|01:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Ludacris - "Blow it out ya ass" |
] |
If you didn't read it, too bad.
|
|
|
[26 Dec 2004|02:30pm] |
Don't you hate when you start crying and you have no idea why?
... I really don't know what's going on.
|
|
| Happy Hollidays! |
[24 Dec 2004|11:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Nightmare Before Christmas playing |
] |
Merry Christmas Everyone! I hope you all have a good one, and get what you want and all that good stuff. :D <3
|
|
| I'm trying. |
[22 Dec 2004|11:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
I have a wall you cannot see,
Because it’s deep inside of me,
It blocks my heart on every side,
And helps emotions there to hide,
You can’t reach in,
I can’t reach out,
You wonder what it’s all about,
The wall I built that you can’t see,
Results from insecurity,
Each time my tender heart was hurt,
The scars within grew worse and worse,
So stone by stone I built a wall,
That’s now so thick it will not fall,
Please understand that it’s not you,
Continue trying to break through,
I want so much to show myself,
And love from you will really help,
So bit by bit, chip at my wall,
‘Til stone by stone it starts to fall,
I know the process will be slow,
It’s never easy to let go,
Of hurts and failures long ingrained,
Upon one’s heart from years of pain,
I’m so afraid, to let you in,
I know I might get hurt again,
I try so hard to break the wall,
But seem to get nowhere at all,
For stone upon each stone I’ve stacked,
And left between them not a crack,
The only way, to make it fall,
Are imperfections in the wall,
I did the best I could to build,
The perfect wall, but there are still,
A few small flaws, which are the key,
To breaking through the wall to me,
Please use each flaw, to cause a crack,
To knock a stone off of the stack,
For just as stone by stone was laid,
With every hurt, with every pain,
So stone by stone the wall will break,
As love replaces every ache,
Please be the one, who cares enough,
To find the flaws, no matter what.
I'm trying...
|
|
| fuck the Holidays |
[22 Dec 2004|12:13am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
Okay.. you know what... I'm sick of this.
Why do all of my friends make plans with eachother, and then leave me as an afterthought? ... Is that all I am anymore? I ask you what you're up to this weekend. But of course, you already have plans... And sometimes I invite myself along but then I just feel like some loser in the background.
...Some of you really feed on my insecurities. If you're going to block me, at least tell me why. If you're going to call me a horrible friend at least give me reasons, and a chance to change... I know I fuck up a lot. I'm sorry. I'm trying to be a good person, but your constant reassurances of how terrible I am aren't helping.
I have a lot to say but I don't feel like pissing anyone off right now, at least not more than I have. Sorry I'm a bad friend.
|
|
| Friends Only |
[07 Dec 2004|08:36pm] |
From now on, my livejournal will be friends only.
So, if you're not on my friend's list and you want to be leave a comment. Otherwise, you can't view my journal.
|
|
| the only thing I have left is this dream, dream, dream... |
[30 Nov 2004|10:35pm] |
Me and Tino are officially "on a break."
...I'm ... heartbroken right now. Crushed. I don't even know how to feel.
Worst thing that could have happened.
I'm lost right now. Nothing feels right. I don't even know what the hell is going on anymore.
I need to go away for a while... :/ But I'll always be waiting for you... Just... Please, come back sometime. I hope you get what you need from this.
|
|
| Counting down the days |
[30 Nov 2004|06:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Johnny Cash - Give my love to Rose |
] |
Well, being that it IS christmas coming up, I need to start thinking about what I'm going to get people.. I have Tino planned out and through the roof... I just need to figure out everyone else :(
Rosie - I have an idea of what I want to get her
Tori - no. fucking. clue.
Alicia - also, no clue.
Ashley - ermmmmm...
Pearl- o.o....i dunno.
Holli- uh. ... damnit. lol. well, i have a tiny idea..
Famileh:
Cousin Jonathan for draw - done, just need to order
Mom- done, just need to find it
Brother Boo - Uh. I should think about that one.
I've been sooooo tired lately, and I dunno why. It snowed last night. I hate the snow :/ ergh. Holiday season is one of my favorites and my least favorites.Oh well, at least I don't have to shop for everyone this year. (yay for family draws!)... I should get christmas cards.
|
|
| 12,000 pennies o.O |
[28 Nov 2004|04:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 stressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Linkin Park - Breaking the Habit |
] |
...hmm. Well, the onslaught of Christmas means my mother is going crazy and i turn alcoholic. Hahahaha.... That isn't really as funny as i thought. Hmm. But seriously, day after Thanksgiving, mummy dearest pops out of the garage with her dozens of boxes of Christmas decorations. I shit you not, at last count there was like 300 and she keeps on adding. She goes nuts until Christmas day, making sure every single ornament and decoration is in the exact right place and position. She gets so stressed I just avoid her. And drink. lol.
So... I'm thinking about getting psychiatric help again. Seriously, though. Things are just not good in my head. I keep freaking out on my little brother really bad. I don't remember what for the first time, but he took up a major attitude with me on Thanksgiving and i scratched his forehead and made him bleed. Then, Friday night, i asked him to be quieter on the computer as it was 1:30 in the morning and i wanted to sleep. Of course, being the little dick like daddy he is, he decided to be even louder. I asked him once again and yelled at him, and he called me a bitch so i slapped him hard enough that i knocked his glasses to the floor.
...I'm scaring myself lately, and it just isn't good. At all. I mean, if I'm scaring myself i need help. And Tino wants me to tell my mom, but god damn, I can't do that. She'll get depressed for a week about what a failure she is because her kids are all messed up and boo hoo and then she won't get me help anyways, she'll just yell at me for being so fucked up in the head. Meh.
I dunno. I think I'll just go talk to the counselor at school. :/ Speaking of which, i need to finish my art homework...
|
|
| Fallin', Fallin'... |
[24 Nov 2004|11:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
De La Soul - "Fallin'" |
] |
I'm losing it.
I can't talk to Nate because i want to kill myself everytime i see him type something. Not even in my direction, just in general.
I don't know what to say to Tino, because i feel like everything I say is wrong and my actions aren't necessarily helping. In the past 2 months i have puked and cried more than i have in the other 15 years I've been alive combined. Fuck. I just want things to be right, which makes me wonder why i do all this stupid shit. I really just don't think sometimes. And Rosie's right, I thought about hurting him a bit too late, didn't I? Motherfucker.
I miss my Holli. I'm going so fucking insane not knowing if she's okay. I mean, I'm really, really glad she's getting help she obviously needs... but damn. :/
I hate how I constantly hurt the people I love. I broke down last night and cried for hours on end and just screamed at myself because i don't fucking understand it. I don't know why I do things. I say I love him, but my actions say otherwise. Maybe I'm just a dumb little girl who will never learn. I don't really know anymore. I wish sometimes that I could just... blink and have the past erased and start over ... I fucked up and I can't blame everyone else anymore. Damn it.
Maybe his fucking brother is right about me.
( Read more... )
|
|
| I Betrayed My Life |
[26 Oct 2004|03:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
worried |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Sublime - Badfish |
] |
There's a room in this house
Where I lose myself
The truth comes out
And you know what I'm about
There's this town I live in
Where I lie to myself
I act half normal
While I'm losing my mind
There's this guy I'm dating
That I can't live without
Which makes us all wonder
Why I keep messing up
I don't know who I am
Or why I'm here
Don't know where I'm going
What direction to steer
I don't know what's going on
Or why I do
These things to you
I keep on thinking
That I will change
Things will get better
…Someday
Maybe it's in my nature
To push away those that care
To betray those I love
Maybe what they say is true
And I'll never be
Good enough for you
I know what I want
I know what I need
I want to quit hurting you
And giving him reasons to feed
To quit tearing us apart
To finally be together
I want to be independent
From self inflicted pain
I want to quit missing you
I want you to be happy
I need to see your smile
I hate hearing you cry
Asking me again and again
…Why?
As my apologies to you
Repeating over in my throat
Sound so very…
Empty
|
|
| Been so Long... |
[20 Oct 2004|09:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 excited |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Sublime - Date Rape |
] |
Okay.. So.. Nathan is bussing up tonight.. and he'll get here at like 3 am Friday morning. Eeeee! excitement. This weekend will be the shit, just like last weekend. But, my damn dress isn't here and i won't be here Friday :/ If it doesn't come tomorrow i have to wear my old one :(
Friday was my birthday party... lol. Good times. So many laughs.. hehe. The paint fight was the highlight. :D We made art! YAAAAAY! hehe. I wish Laura had been there :( <33 Went out to dinner Sunday night, this old guys kept hitting on me >.<
Uhmmmms. SOoOoO.. Monday was my actual birthday.. My stash looks like such:
Sublime - 40 oz. to freedom
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Fever to Tell
Outkast - Speakerboxxx/the love below
The doors - greatest hits
SOAD - Steal this Album!
Donnie Darko on dvd
Mario Party 5 for GC
A pin-striped fedora
A monkey lunchbox, two bracelets, a keychain, earrings and a rose from Tori
$25 Gift card to Hot Topic from Rosie
$15 gift card to hot topic from Li-Li
A bag of kisses from Pearl
A new blanket- red and gold to match my room when i redo it from Ashley
Love and stuff from Holli :)
Special gifts from Tino :P
I still haven't gotten Tino or Jen's gifts yet, so my stash isn't complete lol.
Oh, and Ryan said happy birthday to me while he was dj-ing on air :D
Good weekends, good birthday. Whoo for 16. I think i'll go call my Monkey.
|
|
| A poster child for Re-Tards. |
[11 Oct 2004|07:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Atmosphere - History |
] |
Soooooo... Robbie was at school today with Jacci :/ I got to see him in BOTH the periods he was here but i didn't get to talk to him.
I have a headache. Yesterday was Thanksgiving in Canadia. Yummy food and forced-upon drunkeness. Haha. Drinking is scary when your uncle makes you do it.
Uhhhhm.. One week from today i'm 16 :D Me and Tori are having a combined party at her house this friday :) Yaaaaaay! hehe. Fun stuff. Geez i have a busy schedule this month.
So today at lunch me and Tori were sitting down by the flowerbed, and the Special Ed class walked by. Elyse comes up to me later and says when they were walking past them to the art room, 2 of the retards said they wanted green hair, too. :/ I'm a poster child for retards.
|
|
|
[09 Oct 2004|11:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
groggy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Them Boys |
] |
You're my underage lover
My favorite boy
You're above the rest
In everyway
People will never get us
They'll never understand
But you're my favorite boy
Yeah you're my favorite queer
|
|
| Ask me, negro |
[08 Oct 2004|09:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
TSL - Best of Me |
] |
I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions. no more, no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.
|
|
|
[07 Oct 2004|10:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 frustrated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
NIN - Hurt |
] |
I'm so stressed with everything that's going on right now...
I can't help anyone. I can't even help myself.
My mom feels like a failure because of Nicole... I'm slacking on my homework and falling back on past trends. I skipped first and second period for the first time on Tuesday. I hate myself right now, but i hate everyone else more. I really fucked up this time, so it seems.
Bah. This headache won't go away. I'm losing hair, losing more sleep than usual... I'm sick of my family, sick of school, sick of doing stupid things to ruin my relationship, sick of people, sick of myself.... I'm sick of not being able to help Him when he needs me the most. I'm sick of resorting to stupid stress relivents i thought i was over.
I'm really sick of things from my past coming back to haunt me. I hope this swollen lip and black eye go down. I hate having reminders left on me. That stupid bitch Kerri.. i didn't even fight back. I couldn't, didn't have the strength or want..
|
|
| Beetches! |
[29 Sep 2004|08:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
TuPac - Life Goes On |
] |
lol. What a fucking week. Yesterday was Tino's birthday and our one year anniversary. Man, i can't believe it's been a whole year... Heh. It flew by. And yet, at the same time, it went so slowly.
I'm tired, Tino's working super late and my sister decided she doesn't want to talk to anyone in my general area. I have a field trip on Friday to Mt. Baker, and i have to deal with fucking Mr. Bouma (of all the damn teachers to have to go with.. >.< )
Oh well. Whatever. *sigh* life will go on and I'll make it. Mt. Saint Helen's is gonna erupt soon.. I have a date to Homecoming (Nate is flying up, so we have an excuse to finally chill)... good times ahead.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
